I’ve just returned from offering a two-day workshop at Green Gulch. The first day we focused on giving and receiving feedback, and the second day on resolving difficulties and repair. As you might imagine, these are important topics when people are living, working, and practicing together in various roles. I have been reading the book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well * even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. Isn’t that a great title? The book focuses not on giving feedback but on how to receive it.

One thing that really struck me is their distinction of three types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Each type has its appropriate use, and can be very well received. But there are difficulties when someone is expecting one type of feedback and receives a different type. If you expect coaching and you receive instead appreciation, you are left confused and let down, even though the feedback is “positive.” if you expect appreciation and instead receive evaluation, you may feel bereft and betrayed, even unappreciated, even if the evaluation is generally favorable. I and the participants found this very helpful. The authors also identified three triggers that might make it hard for us to hear feedback: truth triggers (that’s just not true!), relationship triggers (I can’t believe I am hearing this from you, my best friend), and identity triggers (this feedback makes me doubt myself, feel groundless and devastated about who I am).

The workshop gave us time to talk about the feedback and repair process as well as to do some experiential exercises together that helped embody the learning. It seemed to go well and I was happy with the evaluations folks kindly provided.